Strengths-Based Parenting in a Competitive, Benchmark-Driven Culture
In today’s world, parenting feels like a balancing act between being responsive to our children’s needs and making sure they hit all the right milestones. It’s no surprise—everywhere we look, there’s a benchmark to meet, whether it's developmental milestones, school readiness checklists, or competitive extracurriculars. And with so many visible standards, it can be hard not to get caught up in tracking our kids' progress against these measures both formal and informal from our everyday conversations at the playground. We end up feeling like we’re running on a hamster wheel of achievement, measuring success by what they accomplish (or what we help them accomplish?) rather than by who they are becoming.
This is where strengths-based parenting comes into play. It can feel counterintuitive in a culture so focused on outcomes, but strengths-based parenting can help break free from the cycle of comparison and critical thinking about our kids. It shifts our focus from checking off benchmarks to recognizing and nurturing their unique process of growth. But it’s also important to acknowledge: it’s not easy.
Why Strengths-Based Parenting is Counter-Intuitive in Our Culture
One of the biggest challenges of strengths-based parenting is that it asks us to focus on what is, rather than what should be. Many of us grew up in models of parenting, teaching and coaching where we were defined by our deficits and exceptional strengths. Once we develop the skill of critically examining where we fall short in comparison to our peers, our brains become biased in looking for the negative. Our attention has us zooming in on gaps and weaknesses—where our kids fall short—strengths-based parenting requires us to tune into appreciating the process of growth and learning. This requires a shift in mindset.
One misconception of strengths-based parenting is that the term might imply to some that we should shape our children’s self-worth to focus only on their exceptional talents. I recently was talking with a mom about how she felt when she was growing up her parents gave her a ton of praise as an athlete. “I always felt bad or kinda weird when my mom would brag to others about what I achieved. It felt like it wasn’t about me really… it was about her.”
Focusing on our children’s exceptional talents is actually quite related to focusing on our children’s challenges or deficits. This is likely a protective mechanism on our part (i.e., a cousin to perfectionism). If our children are really skilled at something and we know all their weaknesses, maybe just maybe we can protect them from being vulnerable. Of course, we can’t protect ourselves from being vulnerable - vulnerability is a human guarantee. But, parenting can feel scary sometimes and anxiety will override to seek control and try to predict the future.
In a culture that often measures success by standard milestones or grades, there are a few ways in which parents feel choosing to focus on their child’s unique developmental process might feel like swimming upstream. It’s easy to feel like you're falling behind when other parents seem to be focused on getting their kids ahead—whether in school, sports, or social skills. And as parents, we may even feel our own self-worth wrapped up in whether our children hit certain benchmarks.
Another challenge is that strengths-based parenting demands a kind of patience that isn’t always rewarded in the short term. While benchmarks provide instant feedback—like whether a child can recite the alphabet or ride a bike by a certain age—strengths-based parenting takes the long view. It’s about building a foundation of self-trust, self-awareness, and self-efficacy over time. These qualities are hard to measure at the moment, but they are critical for long-term development and well-being.
Why It’s Worth It
Despite these challenges, strengths-based parenting is one of the most impactful things we can offer our children, and it can start from the very beginning of our parenting journey. When we focus on strengths like perseverance, effort, curiosity, perspective-taking, generosity, willingness to be vulnerable, courage and creativity, we are giving our children the message that they are capable, interesting, and valued—not because they meet external standards, but because of who they are at their core.
This approach not only builds a child’s confidence but also encourages children to live from the inside-out versus the outside-in. When children feel that their unique interests and lived experience are important, interesting and worth attending to by their caregiver, they are more likely to develop a love of learning and a passion for what interests them, rather than feeling pressured to conform to external expectations.
Additionally, strengths-based parenting can start as early as infancy. Instead of focusing solely on developmental milestones like crawling, walking, or talking, we can tune into our baby’s temperament, curiosity, and ways of engaging with the world. These small observations allow us to see their individuality from the start, which can guide our parenting and help us appreciate their early strengths and process of learning and growing.
A Foundation for Lifelong Resilience
Children raised with a strengths-based approach are often better equipped to handle challenges later in life because they can attune their attention to process over outcome. When adversity strikes, they have a foundation of self-trust and self-value that is not dependent on hitting the next benchmark. They’ve grown up knowing that their efforts matter, which helps them problem-solve, seek out support, and keep going when things get tough.
In a world that constantly tells us to measure up, it’s a radical act to focus on what makes our children unique and capable. While it might feel challenging to buck the trend of benchmarking, the rewards are profound. Strengths-based parenting builds not just confident children but resilient ones, with a strong sense of self and ability to tolerate mistakes that will carry them through life.
So, while we may live in a culture obsessed with measurable outcomes, let’s not forget that parenting is about more than just milestones. It’s about nurturing our children’s strengths and defining those strengths in terms of process not outcome or comparison, so they can grow into their fullest potential, confident in their ability to navigate whatever life throws at them.
The Mental Health Benefits of Strengths-Based Parenting
Strengths-based parenting isn’t just about helping children feel confident and capable; it also has a direct impact on mental health—for both children and parents. For children, being raised in an environment where their unique strengths are recognized and valued can reduce anxiety and foster emotional resilience. They’re less likely to feel overwhelmed by the pressure to meet external standards, and instead, they build self-esteem from within. This approach also helps them develop a growth mindset, where challenges become opportunities for learning rather than failures to be feared.
For parents, strengths-based parenting offers mental health support as well. When we stop focusing on everything our children should be doing and instead celebrate their individual strengths and growth, we can experience a reduction in the stress and anxiety that come with constantly trying to keep up with societal expectations. Shifting to a strengths-based mindset allows parents to embrace the joy of watching their children grow into themselves without the added pressure of comparison or perfectionism. It helps cultivate a more positive, supportive, and collaborative family dynamic, where both parents and children can thrive emotionally.
Tips for Practicing Strengths-Based Parenting
Pay attention to what energizes your child: Notice the activities, subjects, and experiences that light them up. These are often indicators of their natural strengths and driving values (i.e., things that matter most to them).
Use strengths to address challenges: Instead of focusing on what your child struggles with, try using their strengths to approach the problem. Leveraging strengths and natural interests is one of our best tools as parents, teachers and coaches. In fact, most of our strengths have challenges associated with them. Try to focus on the positives of a temperament or pattern of behavior rather than the negatives aspects. For example, my kiddos are excellent self advocate 😅, meaning they let us know what they need and DON’T like. There are contexts where I am so frustrated or annoyed by this skill, but far more grateful for the other setting when asking (yelling) for what they need will be an asset to their development.
Create space for open communication: Encourage regular conversations where you celebrate each other’s strengths as a family. This helps build self-awareness and reinforces the message that everyone has unique talents, interests, and passions to contribute.
Model a strengths-based mindset: Share your own process of learning and growing and how you navigate challenges. This not only models resilience but also encourages your child to view themselves through a similar lens of capability and change.
Be patient and let go of perfectionism: Remember that this approach is a long-term investment in your child’s mental health and well-being. It may not offer immediate results, but the growth, confidence, and resilience it fosters are well worth the time and effort.
