The Paradox of Acceptance: Why "Giving In" Actually Helps Us Move Forward
I remember clearly a pivotal moment in my training, when I was struggling with explaining to a client why acceptance was a useful tool for coping. Partially, I think my struggle was because I wasn’t too sure myself. I was at a place in my life where anxiety was in the driver seat - justifying it was necessary to push away the bad feelings and promote the good feelings in order to stay on top of my game. (Oof, how we love graduate school).
Thankfully, the shift happened for me layer by layer, where I came to understand the immense importance of practicing acceptance of emotions, sensations, and current present experiences. And the weird paradox was that the sooner and more deeply I practiced acceptance, the sooner change would follow.
As a therapist, one of the most common concerns I hear when discussing acceptance is: "If I accept things as they are, aren't I just giving up?" This fear makes perfect sense (and I remember it well), especially for high-achieving women who've succeeded by pushing through challenges and refusing to settle. But I've witnessed countless times in my practice: acceptance isn't about resignation - it's actually the first step toward meaningful change.
The Misunderstanding About Acceptance
A very smart client once said to me, “But, why would I want to feel unpleasant things?” She had a great point. But simultaneously, like most of us, when we resist feeling the unpleasant feelings we click on the “problem-solving” button. As much as we want to, we cannot solve the problem of negative emotions and in fact when we do, we are missing out on listening to our gut and understanding the real problems.
When we talk about acceptance, we're not talking about giving up or deciding that something is okay. Instead, acceptance means acknowledging our current reality without getting caught in the exhausting cycle of fighting against what already is. As acceptance researcher Steven Hayes notes, "Acceptance doesn't mean liking, wanting, choosing, or supporting - it means experiencing what is happening right now, fully and without defense."
The Science Behind Acceptance
Research in psychological flexibility (a key component of mental health) shows that acceptance of our emotional experiences leads to:
Reduced symptoms of anxiety and depression
Better stress management
Improved relationship satisfaction
Greater resilience in facing challenges
A groundbreaking study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology found that people who practiced emotional acceptance had significantly better outcomes in managing difficult emotions than those who tried to suppress or change their feelings.
Why Fighting Reality Keeps Us Stuck
Fighting negative emotions is a.) impossible and b.) drains our energy in the constant process of pushing it away. One metaphor used to illustrate this in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is called Passengers on the Bus. Check this out for an awesome description.
When we refuse to accept our current reality, we often:
Expend enormous energy fighting what has already happened
Stay caught in "should" statements that increase our suffering
Miss opportunities for real change because we're focused on resistance
Add layers of judgment to our already difficult emotions
The Liberation of Radical Acceptance
Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, introduced the concept of "radical acceptance" - completely opening ourselves to experiencing reality as it is. She found that acceptance actually frees up the energy we need to create change.
What I find Linehan does very well is making sure we are growing the skill of self-validation while trying to build up our ability to accept our current reality, emotions, thoughts and sensations. Ultimately, we sometimes need to grow our skills of self-compassion to make acceptance feel more accessible.
What Acceptance Actually Looks Like
Instead of resignation, acceptance means:
Acknowledging "This is where I am right now"
Releasing the extra suffering that comes from fighting reality
Opening to our full emotional experience without judgment
Creating space for intentional next steps
The Path Forward Through Acceptance
Practical steps for cultivating acceptance:
Notice When You're Fighting Reality Start by becoming aware of thoughts like "This shouldn't be happening" or "I can't stand this." These are clues that you're in resistance.
Name Your Experience Simply stating "This is anger" or "This is fear" can begin the acceptance process.
Drop the Second Arrow Buddhist psychology talks about the "second arrow" - the suffering we add through judgment. Practice noticing when you're adding judgment to your experience.
Recommended Resources for Deeper Understanding
Books that beautifully explore acceptance:
"The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris
"Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach
“The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion” by Christopher Germer
"True Refuge" by Tara Brach
Moving Forward with Acceptance
Learning how to be present with your experience and accept it as it is right now is a process. This isn’t something that happens in a session or overnight. However I have had the privilege to see so much change in my client’s lives and I think that authentic change occurred because they were able to accept and honor their current and past experiences.
Remember: Acceptance isn't about liking or wanting your current situation. It's about acknowledging what is, so you can respond with wisdom rather than reaction. It's about creating space for change by first accepting where you are.
When to Seek Support
Sometimes developing acceptance requires support, especially when dealing with:
Significant life transitions
Chronic stress or burnout
Relationship challenges
Past trauma
Major losses
The Invitation of Acceptance
Acceptance invites us to stop exhausting ourselves fighting what is, so we can invest that energy in creating what could be. It's not about giving up - it's about showing up, fully and authentically, for our lives as they are right now.
If you're struggling with acceptance or finding yourself caught in patterns of resistance, therapy can provide a supportive space to explore these challenges and develop new ways of relating to your experiences.
